Remembering Neannette

The excitement of going out of town was only heightened by the fact that my new, 1-month-old nephew was accompanying us on his first family trip to Indianapolis. This was no ordinary occasion. Our beloved Neannette was turning 70 and had no clue that the entire family was coming to surprise her for her birthday. I could hardly stifle my excitement as we inched our way to her door. A muffled scream is all we heard, and then laughter...and then there were tears. Tears which symbolized the deep love which fills a room with audible affection when no ones even speaking. Then, there was laughter, loving-insults, and a room full of more love than which ought to be legal. Mom and Grandma scolded Neannette for the way she looked and the way her house looked. "Mother, you should be ashamed," I can almost audibly hear my grandmother say. This celebration overflowed to a local Ryan's, which also included our then matriarch, Aunt Marguerite, who too, was meeting baby Joshua, the newest addition to our family. We all looked on lovingly as she broke him in with the family ritual of spoon-feeding him coffee. Josh is now 23, I'm 32, and our beloved Neanette is no longer with us. But even as I type this, the love, the pride, and the bond that has sealed the foundation of my life all ascends to the surface. And I realize...that even though she's no more, she's manifested herself in my family's lives in so many facets. Losing a loved one leaves a deep void and it often causes me to ponder, who will ever love me like she did? And even though I've yet to answer the previous question, I can forever dwell and reminisce on precious memories such as these. Still remembering you, Neanette! With love, Jason

The Ingestion of Pain

The concept of pain is universal and we all experience it; however, the way pain is processed is where the ambiguity comes in. In considering the way I process pain, I realize that I’ve tried many coping mechanisms. At one time, I felt repressing painful memories to the point of amnestic abandonment would work. Boy, was I mistaken. That only works until you come across something that triggers a cognitive relapse and opens the memory’s floodgates—allowing emotions to spring forth like a hot geyser. One of the worst scenarios of internal pain occurs when we are unable to forgive. That type of pain consumes and eats away at time, relationships and ultimately, one’s conscience. Once the conscience has been consumed by such negativity, bitterness breaks out like a stage IV cancer. I’ve come to the realization that time can be a medicine to pain, but ONLY when we decide to take it in prescribed increments. And while stubbornness won’t stop the hand of time, it can certainly paralyze the process of healing. As a child, I was told that it takes seven years to digest gum. Though this proved to be a myth, there was indeed a lesson in this generational folklore. Unprocessed emotions get stuck within our emotional digestive tract and without the necessary attention, will infiltrate even the purest of emotional exchanges. Refusal to address pain keeps you cyclically returning to the very source from which the pain originates. Even still, processed pain is designed to extract positive growth. There is a purging of sorts which occurs when we allow the affects of pain to strengthen our emotional muscle tone. However, the intent of some pain is to intercept personal fulfillment and to leave a bitter residue to cloud our judgment and to sour even the simplest of intentions. With this portrait of pain drawn, I am now accountable to approach pain quickly and honestly as possible. Why be evasive with feelings we’re left to process daily? Of course, it is tempting to ignore taboo subjects altogether, but what does that do to personal growth? A situation or a person may not change, but does that mean that I can’t? God forbid. Before I allow pain to progress into ugly manifestations of discontentment, I’d rather address it. Rejection, humiliation, betrayal, and disregard are all potent tools that lead many into the snares of addiction. But for some reason, I just believe that if I tackle these feelings head on, it’ll eventually strengthen me into a man who is transparent in his experiences, proactive in reconciliation, and one who can make the pathway clearer for others treading behind me…