When we walk away... (A reflection)

I think it's fair to say that we all want to have a good time. Not necessarily indulging in any bad behavior(s), but we want to enjoy ourselves with those whom we spend time. However, we must keep inventory of the lengths we are willing to go to enjoy ourselves. I have to be honest; the older I get, the more I cherish my personal time alone ...This could probably be attributed to the fact that I'm making up for the time when I was force to be around people while I was internally crying out for solitude. . .

Nevertheless, we often focus on having fun, but as of late, my focus has shifted to how I feel when we go our separate ways. Maybe I'm the only one, but have you ever had a blast with someone, not doing anything bad, but when it was over you just didn't feel good? It's made me more mindful of the company I keep. Not to say that people have bad motives, but I must survey what fruit is being born from our association? Am I growing? Am I being challenged? Who's being inspired? I mean, fun is fun ... but at the end of the day, I'm needing something a lil' bit more substantial than a rigamarole of social pow-wows.

Then the scripture hit me, "...we wrestle NOT against flesh and blood, but against PRINCIPALITIES, against POWERS ... against SPIRITUAL wickedness in high places." I then realized that certain environments we take ourselves into, though we may not do any physically bad acts, SOMETHING is being extracted, be it good or bad. Has an ugly disposition crept into your back pocket while you were on a 'scene' that was probably not beneficial to you? Or perhaps you broke bread with someone who could really care less about you, but just needed something to do. Could it even be that people are using you to get information about others to carry out their vindictive agendas??? Either way, know that it's not necessary about how much we're enjoying ourselves, but how do you feel when you walk away??? [Selah]

Interlude of Gloom

Every year, around this same time, I am subdued with sadness. I try to forget it; I even try to repress it, but the same feelings of emptiness, loss, and extreme sadness still besiege my mind. The backdrop of that painful season looms over the walls of my conscience. It was this time, almost 14 years ago, when my beloved grandmother was quickly and tragically stricken with and succumbed to terminal cancer. I always ask myself, what I could have done differently. Why didn't I notice a sign? Why didn't I take a more radical approach in treatment options, etc. Did I pray/fast hard enough, etc ... Then, there's the night that you practically begged me to stay overnight at the hospital with you. Probably the last request you would ask me, and I couldn't even meet that; I probably will never forgive myself for that. I tell myself each year, it will get easier, and it never does. I vow to do things to cheer me up, but they never work. I laugh and crack jokes to diffuse my agony, but even that tactic is short-lived. I think the biggest shock of it all is that, in my eyes, she was 100% invincible. And to watch a pillar in your life literally be brought down to the ground does damage to you on many levels. I can't even express how much this tragedy has affected me. Honestly, I should have sought grief counseling because it lead me to be functionally depressed for many years. And though I think I cope better now, there are still parts of this tragedy in which I have yet to receive closure. I guess this will just be one of those things that I continuously wrestle with for the rest of my life. I look back at my successes, and they become bittersweet because you were not there flashing that million-dollar grin and rooting like absolutely nobody else could. I pray so desperately that you could just come back and give me the advice and spiritual counsel to maneuver me in the right direction, but I guess God has the master plan. So I'll just keep on trusting Him and trucking along. I know sadness is not what you would have wanted or me, so let me pick myself up and conclude this interlude of gloom. I declare that this must be one of the 'by and bys' that the hymn of old declares will be revealed down the line. Missin’ you much, Gram. Sure could go for my hug and kiss about now.

On the flip side of greatness...(A Reflection)

Every blue moon, I slip into trances of browsing back-to-back articles on Wikipedia. The presentation of information is very user-friendly, and personally, I feel the articles read well. However, this particular session of browsing was intercepted by something I’d never discovered; or if I did, I was too enthralled to realize it. Every notorious person’s page I read contained a section which pinpointed the not-so-pretty aspects of their lives. These legends who were full of capability also divvied in ominous immoral lifestyles, which in some cases, threatened to overshadow their legacies. Then I began to wonder, were these people really bound by the controversy the media tried to emphasize on, or were these behaviors merely agents to thwart their overall success? The more I began to ponder upon the struggles these great men/women must have had, the more I realized that humanity at its absolute best is still in dire need of divinity. Humanity is the threshold which stops greatness from entering into the sphere of perfection. As talented as some of these people were, their vices broke their superiority down to the extent that they were normal people like you and me. I guess that I’m saying all of this to say … whatever your struggle, issue, schism, or inhibition may be, just remember that it doesn’t have to define who you are. No matter how flawed you may feel your vessel is, you are still capable of producing greatness and becoming great. Issues will persist as long as you live, but your legacy has the potential to outlive you. Now don’t take this as a disclaimer to delve into heinous behavior. Rather, just use it as inspiration to keep going despite of the struggles that may be trying to consume you. Greatness is in no way, shape, or form, synonymous with perfection; however, potential will never manifest into any thing more than daydreaming if you don’t get over yourself enough to produce something!